Fitness is more than just physical fitness. Fitness for me certainly also involves my mind body and soul. I can look great on the outside but if I'm rotting inside my outside appearance matters very little. Sometimes when I'm having a bad day I can look in the mirror and see the sadness. I see the disappointment, the exhaustion and the grief.
My body is back into my size 4 jeans. I can walk into my closet and put together an outfit without worrying if I 'look fat'. The frustration of pulling on a pair of pants and seeing a muffin top or wondering how much I'll spill over when I sit down is just not there anymore. I've said it before that being smaller is freeing. I don't stand in the mirror and admire my body. I just don't stand in the mirror anymore. My body is now a NON ISSUE and that is a nice place to be. Don't get me wrong,I've talked about skinny chicks not necessarily looking great naked. I'm not talking about what I look like naked because that is another issue ;). I'm just talking about body image and appearance.
My point is that to most of the world I look alright. I can put on my skinny jeans, do my hair and put on makeup and appear like I've got it together.
But on the inside I have a disease that is rotting me from the inside out and I have been hiding it for a very very long time. This past year has been painful and fighting it has taken everything out of me and I just don't have anything left. There only a VERY few close to me that know the story. That know what I struggle with on a daily basis. I am getting closer to sharing the truth with the world but for right now you need to be content with my baby steps.
I've been trying to fight it but I am at the point where I need to make some serious life changes in order to continue on. I NEED to become well again. I'm not sure exactly what I need to do in order to achieve this, but I think being honest is the first step.
5 comments:
Sometimes the most freeing thing is to just say it :) Praying that you will find freedom!
Brave and courageous... that is what you are to be sharing your deeper struggles. You will help so many people and your "realness" will be so refreshing!!!!
Praying for you and wishing wellness to you!!!
you have me worried.
wish I knew more.
Ditto what Andrea said. I hope all is OK with you.
Oh Alyson ~Big Hugs to you! I know we’re not that close, I’d like to be, and I hope I’m not over stepping my boundaries. I haven’t been reading the blogs I enjoy (like yours),or facebook for most of the summer.
I just read your blog this Am and felt compelled to add a comment. I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling with something that sounds like has been weighing on your heart and soul deeply. Even living with all the abundance we may have, and the love from family and friends, we can still feel like we are living in darkness or alone and ache so deeply… despite knowing God is there for us.
I agree…honesty (even in small steps) is a courageous, great start, but a very hard one….Good for you! It can even feel like letting go of the control you think you have. It’s a forever challenging battle with me, so I can kinda relate(even though I don't know what you are going through).
I pray before, and after I haven't been honest with myself and others about my true personal issues, asking for forgiveness?! After… I can understand, but before...that's pretty bad :( HOW, and WHY can God forgive that many times???!!! Most of the times I don’t always intend to lie, but it’s easier for so many reasons.
I think the feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, anger and loss of control are so much harder to bear, BUT the truth can leave us feeling so vulnerable, weak or scared, so we stuff it down and we rationalize it all...and quickly agree with that little devil on our shoulder, “It’s really not that big of a problem??!!”
I will be thinking about you and praying for you often, but please Alyson don’t beat yourself up. You are so strong and have been through, and continue to go through major challenges. You are a unique and interesting woman with so many gifts! You have such a strong and compassionate heart, and are beautiful inside, and out!
If you ever want to talk or get together, please let me know, I can even drive to your place. You can send a msg thru facebook if you would like?
Take care of yourself,
Your friend Chantele
xoxo
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