Things are looking up. For today anyway. The darkness is lifting and I am able to enjoy simple moments in my daily life again.
In case you are wondering, no I will not name the disease I have. I'm not ready. I feel like doing so gives it power over me. It becomes too real and I become IT. I don't want to give it that much power.
I am learning to deal with it though. I am learning that pretending it does not exist also gives it power. I am taking my life back. In order to recover and succeed in life I need to talk about it. I need to let the people in my life know that I am not o.k and there are certain things I just cannot do sometimes. I need to set limits and be o.k with that.
I have been trying to pretend that I am the person I used to be for too long. I've been doing it so long that I have drained all my strength. I need to realize that it is o.k for me to say no. It is o.k that I have limits. It is o.k to be me. I am NOT, nor will I be the person I think I SHOULD be. And that is O.K.
I am who I am, and I need to become o.K with that and deal with it. I can no longer pretend or I'm afraid I will have nothing left of worth to give to anyone.
I'm not saying that I am going to stop fighting 'IT' . I am not saying that I am going to lie down and die. The opposite is true. I am getting the help I need, and I am freeing myself of the burden of pretending it is not there. I am being realistic about my situation. I AM fighting it, but pretending it does not exist is not the way to go.
Everyday is a battle inside of me. I have to fight EVERYDAY. That will never go away....It's just that sometimes I will have bad days and will not be able to dig deep enough. That is when I need you to be understanding and to lift me up. I will NEED your prayers and your love.
And I need to be o.k with being so vulnerable.