O.K I'm back. Sorry about shutting everyone out. I just needed some space. I don't feel like going into details so I'll just move on.
I went for my first 50 minute long run today and it felt great. I decided to run 10 minutes and walk a minute. I think I will do that for every long run until I am confident my knee can hold up. I may even run the Half that way. I always thought that was sort of cheating, but walking for 10 minutes total in a 2 hr run can actually INCREASE my time at the finish so I don't really care. Besides..if it helps me get ACROSS the finish line than I am fine with that.
I am also feeling REALLY good now. You see I have bad days. I am on a journey and I'm walking with God. I am listening to what He needs from me and it is making changes in my life. I feel the need to stress that I am not doing things alone. I am praying and listening and walking with God here. But sometimes I rebel. The sinful part of me screams and wants to ruin the spirit God is trying to put in me. As a former food and drug addict my reaction is to really really want to do these things.
So am I restricting myself too much? No. I'm not restricting things at all. Instead I have been listening to what God needs from me. For me that was to shed the rest of the addictions in my life and focus on what God wants me to do. Not what I SHOULDN'T do....what I SHOULD. For me that meant changing my diet to include much more healthy food. Less dehydrating drinks and mood killers such as alcohol and coffee. For ME these two things needed to go for a bit to help me rely on HIM. Yes I know a glass of red wine and a cup of coffee are kinda good for you...but for ME they were a crutch...o.k?
Do I feel better? Absolutely. My mood went from EXTREMELY depressed to DOING ALRIGHT MOST DAYS.
I have to laugh at God's timing though because this strong urge to change my diet came right before I decided to run a Half Marathon. And with God's help I am now feeling healthy enough that I can run it.
As for Happiness I will make this statement.....Happiness for me is when I am walking alongside God on my journey. When I am in sink with HIS plan for my life. Every time I try to do things on my own I seem to fail and it is only when I stop resisting, start praying and listening that I feel a contentment like non other.
Sometimes I need to do things in my life, or NOT do things in my life for the better....for my own good. Sometimes I rebel against it. That's just my own stupidity as I sabotage myself. God never promised that following His lead was the easy road. But it is a road that will lead to far greater things than my narrow mind can understand.
And as for worrying about my weight or fitness level.....I am not trying to lose weight. I am trying to be fit enough to run a Half Marathon. I've also had 4 babies and am just being realistic about what my body has become. I don't put my 'happiness' on what I look like, but being fit and not having my stomach roll over my pants IS a goal that I want to achieve so you can't fault me for wanting to be sexy for my husband.
I know, I said I wasn't going to talk about why I went offline but there you go. I was upset by a comment left (that I deleted). I was upset because whoever it was that left the comment did not understand me at all and it bothered me. It bothered me because they say they read my blog all the time and thought something that was just well....not me.
I was wondering why I blog if I'm going to be misread all the time. I don't say EVERYTHING that is going on in my life or the reasons why I do things. I do keep some things private. I wrote about my bad day because I want to keep things real. I want people out there know that I am human as well and have bad days. I am a 'fit mom' but sometimes life is hard. That was it. I was also trying to explain that I did not eat enough and it was contributing to my bad mood...and not because I was starving myself. Just that I should have eaten more than the two eggs and shake I had for breakfast an HOUR earlier. I was TRYING to write a post about how important it is to eat eat eat and that most people think NOT eating is the answer. I was TRYING to say that when you DON'T eat enough during the day that your body will start to crave crappy food and that eating more healthy food early on in the day will help curb a binge at night.
I was TRYING to make it more personal by sharing my bad day as it was happening.
I was going to delete the post. But no. This is my blog. I started it for myself. So I could have a voice without 'voicing' my opinion to people that don't want to listen. If people don't want to read about what I have to say then they don't have to click here!! So I have decided to continue to just be me. To be raw and real. If I help someone else along the road than that makes me happy.
So that's it. Thanks for the comment (that I deleted) because it actually helped me realize that I am on the right track and doing what is best for ME. I love how God works because the sermon at church today also spoke about listening to what God is telling you and acting on what you know you need to do.
So I'm not mad at you whoever you are. I'm thankful. Thankful that your comment forced me to evaluate that I was doing the right things with my life.
Funny enough too...I am 'happier' today because of it.