I manage a country homestead and the lives of my 4 babies ages 10,8,5 and 3. I LOVE TO RUN and NEED to keep healthy and fit for my SANITY!! Seriously....All problems are solved when I am running.

Making MY health a priority allows me to be the mother and wife that I need to be for them.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

A Rebuttal of Sorts.....

O.K I'm back. Sorry about shutting everyone out. I just needed some space. I don't feel like going into details so I'll just move on.

I went for my first 50 minute long run today and it felt great. I decided to run 10 minutes and walk a minute. I think I will do that for every long run until I am confident my knee can hold up. I may even run the Half that way. I always thought that was sort of cheating, but walking for 10 minutes total in a 2 hr run can actually INCREASE my time at the finish so I don't really care. Besides..if it helps me get ACROSS the finish line than I am fine with that.

I am also feeling REALLY good now. You see I have bad days. I am on a journey and I'm walking with God. I am listening to what He needs from me and it is making changes in my life. I feel the need to stress that I am not doing things alone. I am praying and listening and walking with God here. But sometimes I rebel. The sinful part of me screams and wants to ruin the spirit God is trying to put in me. As a former food and drug addict my reaction is to really really want to do these things.

So am I restricting myself too much? No. I'm not restricting things at all. Instead I have been listening to what God needs from me. For me that was to shed the rest of the addictions in my life and focus on what God wants me to do. Not what I SHOULDN'T do....what I SHOULD. For me that meant changing my diet to include much more healthy food. Less dehydrating drinks and mood killers such as alcohol and coffee. For ME these two things needed to go for a bit to help me rely on HIM. Yes I know a glass of red wine and a cup of coffee are kinda good for you...but for ME they were a crutch...o.k?

Do I feel better? Absolutely. My mood went from EXTREMELY depressed to DOING ALRIGHT MOST DAYS.

I have to laugh at God's timing though because this strong urge to change my diet came right before I decided to run a Half Marathon. And with God's help I am now feeling healthy enough that I can run it.

As for Happiness I will make this statement.....Happiness for me is when I am walking alongside God on my journey. When I am in sink with HIS plan for my life. Every time I try to do things on my own I seem to fail and it is only when I stop resisting, start praying and listening that I feel a contentment like non other.
Sometimes I need to do things in my life, or NOT do things in my life for the better....for my own good. Sometimes I rebel against it. That's just my own stupidity as I sabotage myself. God never promised that following His lead was the easy road. But it is a road that will lead to far greater things than my narrow mind can understand.

And as for worrying about my weight or fitness level.....I am not trying to lose weight. I am trying to be fit enough to run a Half Marathon. I've also had 4 babies and am just being realistic about what my body has become. I don't put my 'happiness' on what I look like, but being fit and not having my stomach roll over my pants IS a goal that I want to achieve so you can't fault me for wanting to be sexy for my husband.

I know, I said I wasn't going to talk about why I went offline but there you go. I was upset by a comment left (that I deleted). I was upset because whoever it was that left the comment did not understand me at all and it bothered me. It bothered me because they say they read my blog all the time and thought something that was just well....not me.

I was wondering why I blog if I'm going to be misread all the time. I don't say EVERYTHING that is going on in my life or the reasons why I do things. I do keep some things private. I wrote about my bad day because I want to keep things real. I want people out there know that I am human as well and have bad days. I am a 'fit mom' but sometimes life is hard. That was it. I was also trying to explain that I did not eat enough and it was contributing to my bad mood...and not because I was starving myself. Just that I should have eaten more than the two eggs and shake I had for breakfast an HOUR earlier. I was TRYING to write a post about how important it is to eat eat eat and that most people think NOT eating is the answer. I was TRYING to say that when you DON'T eat enough during the day that your body will start to crave crappy food and that eating more healthy food early on in the day will help curb a binge at night.

I was TRYING to make it more personal by sharing my bad day as it was happening.

I was going to delete the post. But no. This is my blog. I started it for myself. So I could have a voice without 'voicing' my opinion to people that don't want to listen. If people don't want to read about what I have to say then they don't have to click here!! So I have decided to continue to just be me. To be raw and real. If I help someone else along the road than that makes me happy.

So that's it. Thanks for the comment (that I deleted) because it actually helped me realize that I am on the right track and doing what is best for ME. I love how God works because the sermon at church today also spoke about listening to what God is telling you and acting on what you know you need to do.

So I'm not mad at you whoever you are. I'm thankful. Thankful that your comment forced me to evaluate that I was doing the right things with my life.

Funny enough too...I am 'happier' today because of it.


Sara said...

I'm sorry that a negative comment hurt you so much, I would have felt the same way, esp. if I felt misunderstood. I've been where you are & it's very difficult to radically change your diet but if you keep with it, it will soon become a habit and the things you struggle with now will become a normal part of your life soon. Change is always difficult b/c it takes us out of our comfort zone. But that often what we need to move forward. The only part of the previous post that concerned me was that, imo, your perception of your body doesn't appear to be in line w/ how it really looks. I know I haven't seen your belly but I have a similar issue with my acne. In addition to breaking out on my face I also break out on my chest & back and I am incredibly embarassed by it and it makes me feel self conscious and ugly. Dylan has helped me to understand that it's not unattractive to him or most other people, and has encouraged me to wear bathing suits that expose those areas. It's hard for me to believe him but I have to trust that he wouldn't lie to me and realize that my perception is affected by years of self-hate with regard to this issue. Alyson, you are a strong, healthy woman ... your body carried & birthed 4 beautiful children. Put on your bikini, hold your head up and be proud of how you look b/c I guarantee about 90% of the people on your cruise would trade bodies w/ you in a second!

Alyson said...

lol. I knew YOU would cheer me on about my diet changes sara ;)
As for my body...I don't want to be skinnier. We all have things we want to tweak and it is no big deal. I would rather have boobs and a butt! that is beside the point though. The point was that there is nothing wrong with me wanting to improve on what I have....I don't hate my body at all...I'm just working out. I really don't care what other people think of my bikinis. I'm wearing them no matter what. It is just how I feel when I bend over in them...not biggie..just something I'm working to improve on.

Sara said...

It's nice to read your response b/c I don't think that comes across in your posts. I think b/c you mention losing weight and how many days 'til you have to be in a bikini etc. it's perceived by many reading your posts that you're not happy with your body the way it is right now. I am exactly where you are. Thankful for the body that God gave me (and that carried & birthed my babies) but wanting to tone and strengthen to be the healthiest & fittest I can realistically be.

desperatelyseekingsuzin.blogspot.com said...

I just want to say Bravo.. and I know you are not looking for a cheerleader or anything, but really, I think the fact that you talk about all of these things-issues we all struggle with at some point to some degree-you do so openly and really you are not judging others-you are telling us YOUR life from YOUR perspective. As someone who has known you for what seems like forever and really who knows just about every side of you-good and "in progress"-well, I think the choices you are making, the discipline, the seeking God and not other people or other things, the focus on always always trying to be the best you you can be-that is fantastic.. and anyone who knows you, knows that and knows your heart.

To be honest, I think you are helping people and I would rather read a "real" blog where people say they have a bad day, than just one that makes everything look so easy!!!

You are where God wants you to be-what He asks of us is to want to seek Him, wanting to line up with His will and you are doing just that. He works out the rest of the details!!!

AnnG said...

Glad to see you didn't delete the post...you HAVE to be real if you are gonna blog!! so glad to see you being real and open. It helps me greatly (as an obese mom trying to get into good physical condition and lose this excess weight) to see that others deal with the same kinds of issues (good self worth and healthy fitness condition). Thanks!!