Have you ever gone through something so incredibly painful that your heart literally HURTS? Right now my heart feels like it is going to rip in half.
I have spent 20 years pushing something deep down inside. I've used drugs, humour, alcohol, food, anger, achievement and avoidance....Even Running.
I've allowed myself the illusion of control by 'coping'.
It is only now that my life is FORCING me to deal with it.
It hurts but the fact that I am actually feeling something is pretty amazing. I know I need to feel it. I pray I don't have to feel this for too long before I'm able to let it go. All in time I suppose. I'm not ready yet. I'm not at that place of understanding and forgiveness. I know I will get there but not today.
I know that God has better plans for my life. I know that he wants me to be free of this. The scary part is that I don't know any better. I am afraid to let go and see the person I can be without this 'thing' that holds me.
I am optimistic that I will be just fine. It just sucks that I have to deal with it in the first place.
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