Good morning. 3 days overdue.
I'm determined to enjoy the day today with my kids. Adam had to work a night shift last night which means I've got the kids to myself all day and can't rely on him to help me so I might as well suck it up and put on a happy face.
Last night after putting the kids to bed I just felt crappy. These last few days/weeks/months? have been difficult and emotional for me and I can barely count on my hands the number of times I have laughed with my kids.
I don't want to plug along in life. Keeping the house clean, making supper, doing groceries, bathing them and keeping the kids neat tidy and obedient. Although having a good home is important and having obedient and respectful kids is important I certainly don't want THAT to be how they remember their childhood.
I want them to remember joyful family memories, a mom that took the time to play THEIR game with them, that takes them for ice cream, and that JUST STOPS TO CUDDLE THEM and tells them how special they are. I want to be LOVING. I want to be the one they count on to love them no matter how screwed up they are. I want them to KNOW that I think they are pretty amazing and lately I have been messing up in that category.
I do try to do these things but this pregnancy has been pretty tough on me. As you know I'm a pretty active mom. I LOVE to push my kids on the swings, kick the soccer ball with them, swim with them, go for bike rides and be able to sit on the floor to play a board game with them. Unfortunately when you take that ability away from me it also takes away a big part of the mommy that I am.
I may be wrong, but I FEEL as though I've been plugging along just trying to keep the house tidy and it has been consuming me. I'm tired of being frustrated and angry that I am not the one playing soccer with them. That I am not the one taking them for long walks in the forest. I'm glad they have other people to be there for them when I can't be but it is now MY TURN.
My priorities need to change. My life needs to change. I no longer want the accolades of having a tidy house and nice kids. I would prefer a messier house and happier family.
Is it in me? Can I be THAT mom? I'm not putting pressure on myself. Just evaluating our lives and rearranging priorities. Now is the time while they are young. Now is the time while we are all home together anyway to enjoy our lives and explore. Now is the time to head to the water spread out a blanket and just play in the sand.
Since the Lord seems to think that Audrey needs to stay in my tummy a few more days, I might as well not waste the time given to me. In fact I think it would be an insult to the Lord not to enjoy.