I manage a country homestead and the lives of my 4 babies ages 10,8,5 and 3. I LOVE TO RUN and NEED to keep healthy and fit for my SANITY!! Seriously....All problems are solved when I am running.

Making MY health a priority allows me to be the mother and wife that I need to be for them.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Self Motivation

A few months leading up to my wedding I ate well and was exercising. I lost a little weight and looked fantastic in my wedding dress. All good right? Sort of. At the point where I looked great something happened. I either gave myself permission to eat more and relax a bit because I was where I wanted to be, And/OR I started FREAKING out and eating A LOT and then not working out because I realized that it was ACTUALLY happening!!

You see I'm a stress eater. I'm a binge eater. An addict. I eat food first because it is available. I would grab a glass a wine to calm myself down but drinking every night scares me. So I eat. Well NORMALLY I run as a positive way to combat the stress but sometimes I just can't help it. And then I eat, then I feel fat, then I feel miserable, then I don't want to get into spandex, then I get tired, then I lay there on the couch....then I eat more out of my misery. It is a terrible slippery slope that is torture to try to stop. It is much easier to slide downhill then to try to hold on or climb up. The worst part is that it IS a lonely place as I am the only one who can climb out. That is the good and the bad of it.

So even though it was a very important moment in my life I had lost control. The day of my wedding my dress barely fit and because I was squished into it and feeling horrible about my body and myself my memories of that day are a little tainted. I was just disappointed in myself.

Side Note: Little did I also know that I was about to ovulate for the first time in a year on my wedding night and thus Lara arriving 9 months later giving reason to the binge eating and hormonal stress for two weeks prior...

My point..... I'm doing the same thing again. The Half Marathon is approaching FAST. I feel the panic and the binge eating creeping up. I've gained weight which upsets me and makes me want to binge eat. When I eat like this I don't want to exercise and then I get mad and eat MORE! I would drink a glass of wine every night instead but again that scares me and frankly I get sooo dehydrated. I think my hormones are playing a role as usual. Does not make it any easier to deal with.

My feet also hurt quite badly and I hurt my knee again the other week which adds to my misery. I'm having a bad week. I gave myself a week to cool off. I would rather rest for a week than have 4 horrible runs. I think No runs would be better than crappy ones. ?

Today I MUST head out for a slow and steady run. If I don't I will fall too far behind in my training and hurt myself on race day. So out I go. Into the sunshine and I KNOW that I will come back and all will be well again. It is time to pick up my heals, let go of the past week and focus on my goals and what I want for myself. I'm worth it. I deserve to accomplish a life long dream and I'll be a monkeys uncle if I let myself sabotage it.


lookingattheprettythings.blogspot.com said...

Good for you for being so honest. It is hard to put yourself out there and sometimes hard to get out of our own way while we are trying to accomplish something. I so so get that.

This will be worth it...

Kirsten said...

Oh honey, I'm sorry. You are amazing, and dedicated and awesome. Whether you do the 1/2 or walk a 1km, it doesn't change who you are. You are NOT the race. You are you. Intrinsically beautiful, perfectly imperfect. Race or no race.
Have you read "women food and god" yet? It's a giant "AHA!" moment waiting to happen.